Dear Friend,
You wanted me to send you a warning of what to expect as I crested "over the hill"... I'm not there yet, but will be in a couple of weeks. Knowing that you would be following close behind me, I thought I might send you a travel diary starting early to get you prepared. I know we are all concerned and you might want a little notice of what to expect - considering I am going into this totally unprepared even though I have five older brothers and a very good school buddy and they never told me nothin' ... not that I am bitter or anything, but I hope all their hair turns grey (oh, wait, it already has).
T-(minus) 14 days
I spent today looking backwards. I've got plenty of time, what's the hurry? So, not much to report except, as I was looking at yesterday, I tripped over something called AARP.
T-(minus) 13 days
OK, back to my marathon ... getting a second wind and I can already see the crest of the hill. It's only a slight up-hill battle - this is going to be a breeze. I might be getting a bit dehydrated though, because my joints are beginning to get sore, which may have started a while ago. But I am sure it is dehydration because my hair is also drying out, becoming brittle, a little gray, and is thinning a bit. No, wait, that isn't the crest, that is just another bump in the road.
T-(minus) 12 days
Did someone raise the road, it is getting much harder and steeper and I think that 'second ' wind was just gas.
T-(minus) 11 days
Darn, slept late this morning. Did I miss it??? The crest of the hill, did I sleep right through it? Oh, good, sometimes my bones just don't want to get up especially in the late spring when the bed is warm and the morning air is cold. I might have slept right through it except for some AARP missionaries knocking on my door. Threw a bucket of cold Geritol™ on them! Well, I am going now to buy some chips and beer so I can sit back in my recliner and watch Turner Classic Movies™. I don't know who Mr. Classic is, but I do like his movies. He must have been part of MGM or something.
T-(minus) 10 days
Got a call from a men's organization at my church. They are asking me if I want to play on the over-50 softball team. I tell them they have the wrong number and hung up on them. Then I got a call from AARP. I told them to call the softball team, bought a sports car, took a viagra, and chased my wife around the room.
T-(minus) 9 days
Every spring the mornings come earlier, so they tell me. The only problem is that every day, the sun seems to get up long before I can. This is getting worse and worse every year. It seems strange, while mother nature is exploding with life, daddy long legs is imploding with aches.
T-(minus) 8 days
Made it through another day with no problems. Well, there was this one nagging little gray hair, so I decided to shave my head. While I was in the middle of shaving my head, AARP called again. I cut the phone line with my razor.
T-(minus) 7 days
Wow a week left. It seems like the last 49 years, 51 weeks, 9 hours, 15 minutes, and 25.5938723 seconds have just flown by. I thought I would take this last week to also look at what I have done to celebrate 50 years - then again, to keep from getting too depressed, considered just making some stuff up. I didn't vote for Nixon and I didn't voter for Carter; the former by law, the latter by intelligence. I almost drowned a couple of times, almost got hit by a car or two at different times, but never did I drown while driving. I have loved many women and probably should have told at least one of them (but what they don't know, won't hurt them - much).
T-(minus) 6 days
I was recently reminded about an Army buddy who said that he never felt old until he realized the centerfold was younger than he was (at that was at 22). Now, when I [just happen] to notice the centerfold, I don't feel old; I feel ancient, but I have caught myself double-checking, just in case. And I can't even go into a Hooter's without feeling just plain weird (ok, weirder than normal). I have actually even recently read an article or two instead of looking at the pictures and gone to Hooters for the hot wings - and I am talking about the chicken type! Of course, I am not so old that I would buy frozen hot wings and heat them up at home. There are just some things you can't do by yourself.
T-(minus) 5 days
bought some frozen hot wings and heated them up for dinner, then read my junk mail from AARP.
T-(minus) 4 days
I was discussing politics with my daughter today, who wants to save the world while I just want to save for retirement. She said to me, "you know how old people are!" She was such a good daughter, I am going to miss her.
T-(minus) 3 days
You know how, as a kid you could fold yourself over like a pretzel. I tried it this morning and was able to fold myself like a two-by-four; not pretty. I thought, maybe I should take up jogging and stretching, so I jogged my memory to see how far I could stretch my imagination - got a cramp.
T-(minus) 2 days
A thought popped into my mind today. For a newborn, on the first full day, a day is 100% of their life. At one-year old the next year is twice as long as they have lived and at the age of five, one year is twenty percent of their lives. By the time you get to fifty, a year is 1/50th and a day is 1/18262 of your life. Time doesn't go faster, there is just more of it to keep up with. See, it isn't that I am forgetting things, there are just more places to put them and more things to keep track of, like prostates. Until you are over 40 no one even cares about it, then, all of the sudden, doctors do all sorts of strange things to find it and make sure its OK.
T-(minus) 1 days
Zero day is tomorrow and I can see over the hill and its not pretty. Run away now! Don't try it, don't even look at it!! Find another route. It isn't the "crest", that is a LIE, it is all up hill from here - AND STEEPER, with more rocks, bumps, bruises, and ill weather. I realize the alternative is not pretty either, but there must be a better way. Maybe if you start saving now, you can bribe someone so you can skip over this part. Just go fishing or something. And watever you do, watch out for those AARP guys. They are like a cross-breed between the Hare Krishna's and Jehovah's Witnesses, only more imposing.
I called up my high school friend who turned 50 last October to ask her why she didn't warn me. She laughed.
Can you imagine that. No warning from any of my brothers, friends, or even enemies! nothing!! "their hair turning gray" HA!, I hope their hair falls out and they all are put on hold when they call the Viagra hotline. (what? oh, they already have? and they didn't tell me about that either??? ARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!)
Not that you have to worry about this, but think about what some famous person said some time ago, "I am not going to age gracefully, I am going to go kicking and screaming!" (Actually, I think several famous and not-so-famous people have said this.)
Zero day
Ugh!
You wanted me to send you a warning of what to expect as I crested "over the hill"... I'm not there yet, but will be in a couple of weeks. Knowing that you would be following close behind me, I thought I might send you a travel diary starting early to get you prepared. I know we are all concerned and you might want a little notice of what to expect - considering I am going into this totally unprepared even though I have five older brothers and a very good school buddy and they never told me nothin' ... not that I am bitter or anything, but I hope all their hair turns grey (oh, wait, it already has).
T-(minus) 14 days
I spent today looking backwards. I've got plenty of time, what's the hurry? So, not much to report except, as I was looking at yesterday, I tripped over something called AARP.
T-(minus) 13 days
OK, back to my marathon ... getting a second wind and I can already see the crest of the hill. It's only a slight up-hill battle - this is going to be a breeze. I might be getting a bit dehydrated though, because my joints are beginning to get sore, which may have started a while ago. But I am sure it is dehydration because my hair is also drying out, becoming brittle, a little gray, and is thinning a bit. No, wait, that isn't the crest, that is just another bump in the road.
T-(minus) 12 days
Did someone raise the road, it is getting much harder and steeper and I think that 'second ' wind was just gas.
T-(minus) 11 days
Darn, slept late this morning. Did I miss it??? The crest of the hill, did I sleep right through it? Oh, good, sometimes my bones just don't want to get up especially in the late spring when the bed is warm and the morning air is cold. I might have slept right through it except for some AARP missionaries knocking on my door. Threw a bucket of cold Geritol™ on them! Well, I am going now to buy some chips and beer so I can sit back in my recliner and watch Turner Classic Movies™. I don't know who Mr. Classic is, but I do like his movies. He must have been part of MGM or something.
T-(minus) 10 days
Got a call from a men's organization at my church. They are asking me if I want to play on the over-50 softball team. I tell them they have the wrong number and hung up on them. Then I got a call from AARP. I told them to call the softball team, bought a sports car, took a viagra, and chased my wife around the room.
T-(minus) 9 days
Every spring the mornings come earlier, so they tell me. The only problem is that every day, the sun seems to get up long before I can. This is getting worse and worse every year. It seems strange, while mother nature is exploding with life, daddy long legs is imploding with aches.
T-(minus) 8 days
Made it through another day with no problems. Well, there was this one nagging little gray hair, so I decided to shave my head. While I was in the middle of shaving my head, AARP called again. I cut the phone line with my razor.
T-(minus) 7 days
Wow a week left. It seems like the last 49 years, 51 weeks, 9 hours, 15 minutes, and 25.5938723 seconds have just flown by. I thought I would take this last week to also look at what I have done to celebrate 50 years - then again, to keep from getting too depressed, considered just making some stuff up. I didn't vote for Nixon and I didn't voter for Carter; the former by law, the latter by intelligence. I almost drowned a couple of times, almost got hit by a car or two at different times, but never did I drown while driving. I have loved many women and probably should have told at least one of them (but what they don't know, won't hurt them - much).
T-(minus) 6 days
I was recently reminded about an Army buddy who said that he never felt old until he realized the centerfold was younger than he was (at that was at 22). Now, when I [just happen] to notice the centerfold, I don't feel old; I feel ancient, but I have caught myself double-checking, just in case. And I can't even go into a Hooter's without feeling just plain weird (ok, weirder than normal). I have actually even recently read an article or two instead of looking at the pictures and gone to Hooters for the hot wings - and I am talking about the chicken type! Of course, I am not so old that I would buy frozen hot wings and heat them up at home. There are just some things you can't do by yourself.
T-(minus) 5 days
bought some frozen hot wings and heated them up for dinner, then read my junk mail from AARP.
T-(minus) 4 days
I was discussing politics with my daughter today, who wants to save the world while I just want to save for retirement. She said to me, "you know how old people are!" She was such a good daughter, I am going to miss her.
T-(minus) 3 days
You know how, as a kid you could fold yourself over like a pretzel. I tried it this morning and was able to fold myself like a two-by-four; not pretty. I thought, maybe I should take up jogging and stretching, so I jogged my memory to see how far I could stretch my imagination - got a cramp.
T-(minus) 2 days
A thought popped into my mind today. For a newborn, on the first full day, a day is 100% of their life. At one-year old the next year is twice as long as they have lived and at the age of five, one year is twenty percent of their lives. By the time you get to fifty, a year is 1/50th and a day is 1/18262 of your life. Time doesn't go faster, there is just more of it to keep up with. See, it isn't that I am forgetting things, there are just more places to put them and more things to keep track of, like prostates. Until you are over 40 no one even cares about it, then, all of the sudden, doctors do all sorts of strange things to find it and make sure its OK.
T-(minus) 1 days
Zero day is tomorrow and I can see over the hill and its not pretty. Run away now! Don't try it, don't even look at it!! Find another route. It isn't the "crest", that is a LIE, it is all up hill from here - AND STEEPER, with more rocks, bumps, bruises, and ill weather. I realize the alternative is not pretty either, but there must be a better way. Maybe if you start saving now, you can bribe someone so you can skip over this part. Just go fishing or something. And watever you do, watch out for those AARP guys. They are like a cross-breed between the Hare Krishna's and Jehovah's Witnesses, only more imposing.
I called up my high school friend who turned 50 last October to ask her why she didn't warn me. She laughed.
Can you imagine that. No warning from any of my brothers, friends, or even enemies! nothing!! "their hair turning gray" HA!, I hope their hair falls out and they all are put on hold when they call the Viagra hotline. (what? oh, they already have? and they didn't tell me about that either??? ARRRRRGGGHHHH!!!)
Not that you have to worry about this, but think about what some famous person said some time ago, "I am not going to age gracefully, I am going to go kicking and screaming!" (Actually, I think several famous and not-so-famous people have said this.)
Zero day
Ugh!
